and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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