I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
40s are totally the cure
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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