Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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