pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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