Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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