I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
