I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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