It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
