I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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