you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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