Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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