He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You're like the curious george of whores
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
