My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
