turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
