He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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