i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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