What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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