life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
