oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
