i would punch a child for taco bell
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
