I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If I die, sorry about rent.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize