Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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