Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.