i already hear my dad disowning me
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
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we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap