i think i have two assholes
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.