im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
Mom said you looked used
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.