I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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