I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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