If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
