My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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