just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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