She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...