I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
