Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW