I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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