I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
