There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
