You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
