So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just found puke in my bra..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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