Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
