The maid of honor just puked.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
