All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I got chris browned last night
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
