I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sorry about my life...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
