He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
