Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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