I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
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Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
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So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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