he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
