How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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