i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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