note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
