cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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