I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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