I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
