If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
