google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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