Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i barfeds in our rink
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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