just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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