I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
