Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
